Every weekday morning, I have a few opportunities to merge into traffic. This procedure used to frustrate me until I realized that there are specific merge types. Here are a few of my merge type definitions:
The Val: This is an older person (usually a woman) who come to a dead stop when they begin to merge into traffic if there is another car within a 5 mile radius...in any lane. They will only move when the expressway is completely clear of traffic. Luckily they are stationary so people can easily move around them. I suspect that when you read news stories of a missing elderly person the first place one should look is the expressway on ramp.
The Mario Andretti: This is usually a middle aged man, who is on the ramp behind you but must speed up and get into the traffic before anyone else. Doesn't matter if he is 3 cars back, 2 cars back, he will speed up, cutting you off and all the traffic in between time. Usually has a cigarette in hanging out his mouth and is swearing at anyone who has the audacity to be on the expressway in front of him.
The Chicken: This is usually a distracted mother. She is in the traffic you are trying to merge into. You slow down to merge in behind her and she slows down. You speed up to get in front of her, and she speeds up. This goes on and on until she leans into the back to smack a child which will cause her foot to slip off of the accelerator and you can sneak in front of her....if you move quickly.
The I'm the head of the class: This one applies to when you are in traffic and someone is merging into your lane. For this scenario (and this is all over the board, old guy, young girl and everything in between), you have NOTHING BUT SPACE behind you and a teeny teeny tenny bit of space in front of you. The car comes off the merge ramp, is slightly behind you and obviously sees the big space behind you but cannot bare to be one more car length down the expressway so they speed up, causing you to apply your breaks quickly as there really isn't that much space but you are now suddenly grateful for all the space behind you.
The NO you first..Psych!: This is usually a younger woman. She is in traffic and makes eye contact with you as you are coming off the ramp. She gives you a slight head nod and slows which seems to indicate that she is going to let you go in front of her when at the very last second she speeds up making you wonder if that was truly a head nod or perhaps she was just listening to a really good song.
The I'll run your dirty stinkin' ass out of town: Although usually a younger man/boy but sometimes just a person in a crappy mood. This type will feel your presence and keep in sync with you. (much like the Chicken) however there is nothing to distract them in the car so they simply do their best to run you off the road (or more realistically make you go super slow until you run out of lane and then become the Val). I chose to believe they are laughing like a maniac, smoking marijuana and drinking hooch but in all reality they probably have their music turned up loud, are texting another "WTF" to someone or just not awake yet.
Next time you merge into traffic or have someone merge into your lane, see if you recognize any of these types...oh yea and if you are missing an elderly person, please retrace their routes!
