It has been a few years, okay 6, since I've put keyboard to paper. My partner in rhymes is doing some big things with his writing but I'm sure some day he'll find his way back.
I'm called today not for a catchup, or to share a point of view, but more of necessity. It helps, when you don't know who to go to, and you don't really want the kindness of strangers, to share in a fairly anonymous and off the beaten path way. So I've gathered you all - me, myself and I - to talk about grief.
What a piece of crap thing that is? Amirite? You loose someone dear, you have the rememberances, you celebrate all the firsts, first bday without them, first holiday and so on. You get to the 2 year mark and you somehow move on with life. You go 3 years, and while you miss someone so much, you still live your life and revel happily in all the stories that they've left you with.I have a theory that the hole or space that they leave behind is filled with memories, the love they had for you, and a constant filling of "wish they were here" and "they would have loved this".
So, or Sos as my remaining sibling would say, you move on, you grow, you sometimes remember to cherish where you are, and how you got there. Moving along just fine...until one day, one week, you are brought to your knees with a heart ache so deep and painful that it makes you feel as if you cannot cope and maybe even cannot breath. The tears come, the rage, the hopelessness, the utter and debilitating sadness. Closing your eyes, wishing it all to be a horrible nightmare, and not wanting to open them again because you know, it is real.
It takes time to shift it, tell yourself this means you were well loved and loved well. Hearing the voice of your loved one, most likely telling you to get over yourself and get back to life.
I so desparately want to reach out to someone who would understand, who would listen, but who also would only let me lay in my shit for so long before they told me to "knock it off". The hardest part is the one who would do that....is the one I am grieving for.
So thank you little blog - reading through you today brought back so many good memories, and reminded me of the wonderful friend I have that wrote this with me, and gave me the opportunity to focus my grief and help me, at least in some small part, make it less painful.
Oh and most of the people I know also thank you - they won't have to do deal with this!
